Why do we do it?
When polyamory gets hard
Photo by Jon Bellingham.
Image: Me
Because it isn’t always the way those little squares on instagram depict it.
Oof…ok this is going to be difficult to write….mainly because it is closer to home than perhaps I would like to admit to my monogomous humans. Pineapples, I really enjoy being polyamorous, I need to start there because the next few bits are going to make it seem like I don’t and may come out in a bit of a chaotic mess that I will need to piece back together.
One of the reasons I love writing so much is because it allows me to put down on paper what I cannot articulate out loud. So here goes…be patient, we may to and fro a bit. A few weeks ago I had lunch with a friend who is having a rough time with partners and she looked me dead in the eye and said “why? Why do we do this to ourselves?” and in that moment, I wish I had an answer for her…but, I didn’t… I just looked back at her and laughed, then said
“because we have a lot of love?”
“because monogamy feels a bit unnatural?”
“we like humans?”
…and as I said them, I just couldnt relate to them and it felt…forced. Then another poly friend, not too long after this, was messaging me and asking why we all don’t just go live on a farm, feed some goats, no partners and live a peaceful life? And pineapples, I have to tell you, at that particular moment it sounded pretty great. Why on earth were we putting ourselves through the exhaustion, the pain that we were feeling in that moment, the difficulty of being able to feel compersion (happiness for your partner with other partners), having growing feelings for someone new whilst maintaining the already existing relationship with another partner.
When do we just get to sit in this love and happiness that the polyamory Instagram squares keep banging on about?
Polyamory is hard, and no one is ever denying that, but it can be made harder when you don’t recognise where you sit within it. I often see and hear people in the ENM (ethical non monogomy) community talk about how they always felt monogamy wasn’t for them or, more often, that when they started to be non monogamous they realised it is what they had been missing, or felt more natural for them.
I am yet to have this feeling. And it makes me feel like I am a fake polyamorous person, like I am a monogomous person in disguise just trying to be something I feel like I should be, just fighting all my monogamous instincts, waiting for monogamy to welcome me back into its arms any moment, condescendingly hugging me and telling me “we knew you would be back”
And the last couple of months it has been hard to work through these thoughts, and felt like I was lying when I would stand and announce that I love being polyamorous.
I know I know! That is a lot to take in…but it’s ok, it does get a lot better. Because cue Mads Mikkelsen stage right!!…this will make sense in a minute. Ah, Mads, you beautiful genius of a specimen, always arriving just at the right time. This week I was on a lovely impromptu cinema visit with a partner and we decided on a film called Riders of Justice…which, as a side note, I highly recommend.
There is a scene in this film where a bunch of people were in a house together, cooking, talking, playing games. There was a roaring fire and bizaare conversation, laughter and a bit of a peculiar feeling of love…..this was just after some grizzly bloody action, but we will table that… And I suddenly felt myself feeling this sort of calming sensation…now, this could have been just being in the dark, away from life, sat with a partner I love spending time with, and it was all of these things. But in that particular moment I was reminded about what I strive for in polyamory.
This.
Complex, layered humans, adding to my life and me adding to theirs whilst we revel in the similarities and differences. I was reminded of one of the reasons I am polyamorous, to feel all these feeling over and over. To get to love hard and simultaneously, I get to laugh till it hurts over and over, to have tea in bed in multiple cups. And yes, it is rare that you will see me have a casual partner but THAT IS OK! Because one of the other beautiful things about polyamory is that you get to choose how you want to do it. I want to feed goats and have a peaceful life…ok maybe just a weekend away…but turn around to have the people I share this poly life with behind me, also enjoying polyamory, in whatever way they choose.
This is not one size fits all! We all have our own brand and style. And everytime I am reminded of this it is this feeling of freedom that comes from knowing an adventure awaits. Becauase…honestly….polyamory is one long adventure and we have time! Time to figure it out, and you want to know the best part? We don’t have to figure it out alone, we have multiple people to talk it through with and act it through with and explore the endless possibilities.
The poly wobble is a real emotion and I have added it to my vast spectrum of emotions…because us ENM humans are trying to re jig years of learned relationship behaviours.I am allowing myself to feel these glitches but then giving myself the time to remember why I chose this lifestyle.
To laugh, eat,love, play board games, cook, cry, sit on a sofa and do nothing and to go through life with more than 1 person.
And well, pineapples, that is all worth it for me.