Poly week Day 1-What a difference a year makes.
It is Poly week again, Already?! And surprisingly, although we haven’t been able to go anywhere or progress our lives in any way really, a lot has happened. I would love to start at the very beginning, Maria Von Trapp style, but it really is just not as simple as that. I know I know…you can sing your Do Ray Me song till the Germans come home but it doesn’t make my year as a polyamorous woman any easier and comes out more like Do, Ray, Me, Mary, bob Jane and OKCupid.
So how do I feel about it all one year on?The truth is, I am not entirely sure, BUT I am sure of one thing, this whole poly thing really does duck, dive, morph and change. Some one make a video game, Picking up Poly Pieces…The puzzle game…suitable for 1 or more players.My Poly week blogs last year focused a lot on the dynamic between my relationship with my boyfriend Tom and his wife Frankie, so I feel it is important to say that they have since separated. This is not me divulging top secret information, they have told people and even announced it on social media. Out of respect I am not going to tell you the ins and outs of their relationship and concentrate on telling you my experience.
So as some of you may or may not know, I moved in with my boyfriend Tom and his wife Frankie for part of lockdown. This in itself was an interesting little maize to work through all on its own. 3 people living together can get complicated and even more so when 2 of you have a relationship with the same person. BUT we made it work, from dinners together where we took turns cooking to movie nights under forts, to logistical conversations about how we all felt and manoeuvring bed buddies. We all enjoyed a really good star fish from time to time!
It was then time for me to go home and give them both the space that they needed and I could see that they needed. In that time Tom, my boyfriend of just over a year at that point, and Frankie decided to separate…..Side note!...I cannot stress to you enough that at no point will I be talking about their separation…that is not my story to tell…..MOVING ON!
And you want to know what surprised me the most? I reacted in the same way I have done to my own relationships ending. I was heartbroken for them both and had zero idea on how to handle it. Later in poly week I will be responding to Toms blog post on break ups which will give some insight into why this happened.
This was an experience I never thought I would go through but one that happens when you are polyamorous or non monogamous. Things can end with one partner and carry on with another simultaneously. This goes against all societal norms unless one person has cheated. Break ups are between two people, and if there is a third or fourth then someone has moved on too soon, was cheating, or is a rebound (my least favourite phrase but that is for another day).So when you are still meandering your way down poly lane and the person you love and their partner breaks up…Where are you allowed to be? What are you allowed to feel? what are you even allowed to ask?
I think I went through the entire rainbow of emotion and back again. Eventually I just had to learn, like with most relationships,this was between them. I did not cause it ,nor did I feel like I had, I couldn’t fix it and I couldn’t ask them to fix it just because I felt hurt for them. There is a level of selflessness you have to achieve, not to ignore your own feelings, but, to put it bluntly…this isn’t about you. My job was to support Tom and the job to myself was recognise the attack to the equilibrium I thought I had found within in poly and brace myself for the re jig I would have to do.
I talk a lot about Tom and I can hear you all asking…Are you still dating other people? Hell yea I am! The pandemic has slowed that down a little but I have found new ways….video dates are fun, I get to dress up and not worry about a coat or shoes!! Hurrah for inside dates…though I do miss the bus.
It has been one bizarre year and although there has been some loss, there has also been some gain. I have met some wonderful people I am hoping to meet one of these days and make my poly life more complicated…but richer. And of course, the dynamic between Tom and I has changed. So get ready for some....you guessed it…my favourite…COMMUNICATION!!!
Welcome to Poly week pineapples…it gets spicy!