There are many that will disagree and debate that monogamy is a form of social conditioning in the relationship structure. This is also a valid argument but not a stance I take, I will touch on that slightly a bit later, I will try really hard not to rant..but I make no promises.
I strongly believe there is no right or wrong answer to this, only peoples happiness and a willingness to learn and be accepting and accepted. Look, I will be the first to admit that I loved me some monogamy and there are still parts of that structure I am struggling, even after a year, to let go of. I am fiercely protective, (not to be confused with jealousy, which can also happen, but there is a whole other post dedicated to this), and was pretty sure about wanting that whole one person for the rest of my life thing. There is also a comfort in monogamy that is reassuring, by having 1 person in your life, you learn to know their patterns and how you compliment each other.
Monogamy also offers a lack of judgement from others, it is what people are used to and so comfortable, and in turn makes us comfortable, what a wonderful cushioned cycle that is. I am still a part of this cycle, and if I could draw I would show you what that looks like, it would look very much like one foot in and one foot out, like dancing a very confused version of the hockey cockey where you just sort of forever hover one leg.
When I started my journey into ethical non-monogamy which became polyamory I really wasn't sure what I could and couldn't have. There were all the questions in the entire world in my head, can I have all the same things in poly as monogamy ? Where is the information? Is this something natural for me or am I choosing this lifestyle?
The truth is, I do not have all the answers yet, but! I am getting closer and more comfortable. You know why? COMMUNICATION. That is right people. Say it loud and say it proud and yell it at everyone. Poly has made me read and research, which in turn has taught me better communication skills. It has given me the tools to talk to people!! One of the things I struggled with in monogamy is the thought that it would be too much for one person to take on everything I needed,that I would communicate too much or that I shouldn’t rock the boat in fear of never finding anyone again. Therapy much?
This isn’t to say that it can’t be done in monogamy. Of course it can! Just, for me, I struggled and in poly it all seemed to come naturally. Not to be mistaken with easy, this is work just like any other relationship. What I do want to say is this. Poly and non-monogamy is not for everybody and that is ok. Some will argue that being Monogamous is unnatural. I think that is like saying being gay is unnatural because it is not what we are taught or the accepted norm. The phrase different strokes for different folks could not be more true than here. I have many friends who are happily monogamous and many that are happily polyamorous and we have frequent discussions about both sides. In the end, I am poly and will probably always be that way, but I reserve the right to have a monogamous relationship again just as any monogamous persons has a right to find polyamory and change their entire ethos.
Next up on poly week: Love, Lust casual and cuddles
